CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO – Corporate Fraud Officer

Broker – What my broker has made me!

Stock Analyst – Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Value Investing – The art of buying low and selling lower.

Standard & Poor – Your life in a nutshell

Stock Split – When ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

Market Correction – The day after you put all your money in stocks.

Bull Market – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market – A 6 – 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

Profit – An archaic word no longer in use.

P/E Ratio – Percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market crashes.

Cash Flow – Movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Yahoo! – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

Windows – What you jump out of when you’re the sucker.

Helium was up, feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued in slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining Stocks hit rock bottom.

Diapers remained unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisin dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillars stock inched up a bit.

Sun Microsystems peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries burst in an attempt to recharge the market.

The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds” you don’t know if they mean you or them.

The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressman.

The economy is so bad Motel Six won’t leave the lights on anymore.

The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hill fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The economy is so bad when I ordered a burger at McDonalds the kid behind the counter asked “Can you afford the fries with that?”

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

The economy is so bad Obama met with three small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package; GE, Pfizer, and Citicorp.

The economy is so bad; Bill Gates had to switch to dial up.

The economy is so bad; my ATM gave me an IOU!

The economy is so bad that the highest paying job in town is jury duty.

The economy is so bad even people who aren’t in Barack Obama’s cabinet aren’t paying taxes.

The economy is so bad I saw a polygamist with only one wife.

The economy is so bad McDonalds is introducing the 1/4 Ouncer.

The economy is so bad people are standing behind George Bush wherever he goes hoping for free shoes.

The economy is so bad when Bill and Hillary travel together they have to share a room.